Sunday, October 29, 2006

it's a matter of trust

"I was really fat. I promised my family I'd loose 70 pounds. I kept that promise and I'll keep my promise to lower insurance rates.
~Cruz Bustamante, outgoing Lt. Govenor & canidate for CA Insurance Commissioner

With such a brilliant ad campaign it's no wonder that Bustamante lost the 2003 California Recall election to the Govenator.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

lead codpiece

I had a leg appointment today. When I asked the x ray technician for the lead apron he placed a crotch shield on me. I felt a little silly, like a goofy superior. What was wrong with the traditional apron? He must have taken my amusement for skepticism because as he placed the codpiece he assured me, "That's all you really need."

The official term is Gonad Shield. Note the tethers & straps. I might get my own shield & paint a superhero logo on it.

As I was waiting to be called for my exam, "Dr. Smith's Foot Cart" rolled by. The only drawer I caught a glimpse of was labeled "Drill Bits". Lovely, journey man carpenter Bob Smith has been brought in to work on some legs.

As for my leg, here's a quote from the doctor, "Something's happening in there. Hopefully, we're in the last 8 weeks."

Of course, that's the same thing he said 5 weeks ago.

So, it looks like the leg will have to be incorporated into the Thanksgiving Day Parade and Santa Crawl '06 is out.

Some sort of sidewalk sale was going on outside of County, though it was tough to gage the theme as there was everything from a black "Devine" selling knock off perfumes, "This is the new Vera Wang, Passion. Do you know Passion's smell?" to an elderly woman selling foam clogs.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

20 years ago today . . .

I realize The Steamer wasn't covering the bag and there's no way Ankles could have gotten to first base before Mookie but an anniversary is an anniversary.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"Is that my mother on the phone?"

~ The Police

California Lifeline Telephone Service

Verification Form

Part E Please fill in if you prefer to recieve further notifications in:

[] Large Print
[] Braille

I would prefer braille, if only I could SEE the check box.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Measure Y

Police against prohibition
Dan Abendschein, Pasadena Weekly, 10/19/06

"At a recent Santa Monica city council meeting about Measure Y, a ballot initiative that would make adult marijuana use the police department's “lowest priority,” activists brought out a unique speaker: A retired New Jersey state cop who is calling for the legalization of drug use. Lt. Jack Cole heads up an organization called Law Enforcement Against Prohibition, LEAP, which boasts 5,000 members from the law enforcement field nationwide."

“We are opposed to this ordinance because it would remove our ability to investigate more suspicious crimes after using marijuana as probable cause,” -Acting Santa Monica Police Chief Phillip Sanchez

Huh? There is a disconnect in Acting Chief Sanchez's logic.

“I don't think they should be enforcing just to make people easier to grab… law enforcement is always easier if you take away people’s freedom, but I wouldn’t want to live in a country like that,” -Lt. Jack Cole

Nicely put.


It is possible to learn from one's mistakes.

Prohibition Raid, 1928

Marijuana Seizure, November 2005

overheard @ dss

DSS = Department of Social Services, "Welfare" ~ Their quotes, not mine.

"Who dat?"
"That's his baby's momma sister, but she like my sister."

"You got money on you? I need three dollars."

"I neeeeed to make an appointment. I need to get the patch."

"I've been in prison. My mother died and I've been in prison."

"I'm not waiting in that line. Some Mexican man's gonna let me in." She stops to put on makeup in an exagerated manner, like an actress going on stage.

"My knees hurt so bad I wanna' cut em off."

blue ice

Toilet ice rips hole in couple's roof

October 21, 2006

CHINO, Calif. --An elderly couple believe a chunk of blue ice from the holding tank of an aircraft toilet ripped a hole in their roof and destroyed a bed.

William McElroy was watching a movie with his wife, Evelyn, when the ice crashed into the house Wednesday night.

"It was a huge crash. It shook the whole building, but we thought it was a car," McElroy said. The couple went outside to investigate but found nothing, so they returned to finish watching the movie.

They didn't discover the chunk of ice on the bed and the 2-foot-wide hole in the ceiling until Thursday morning.

"I think we had somebody extra looking over us," Evelyn McElroy said.

Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Ian Gregor said Thursday if the offending chunk of ice is from an airplane, then it is likely the cause of a leak in a holding tank of the aircraft's bathroom.

Blue ice occurs when waste leaks from a plane's bathroom onto the outside of the plane and freezes at high altitudes. The liquid begins to thaw as the plane descends, Gregor said.
© Copyright 2006 The New York Times Company

The last statement makes it sound as though blue ice is a frequent problem and well . . .

Airline forced to pay for dropping blue ice on boat

North Neighborhoods. The sky is falling? Uh, not exactly

Sunday, October 22, 2006

enough already

On This Day:

On Oct. 22, 1962, President John F. Kennedy announced an air and naval blockade of Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island. -NY Times

That's 45 years of ineffective policy; the missiles are long gone as is the Soviet Union. Can we please end the trade embargo & lift the travel restrictions.

And while we're at it; sorry, but we DON'T need you on that wall Colonel Jessep. I realize we'd have to relocate our "prisoners" but is there any other justification for the existence of U.S. Naval Station Guantanamo Bay?

Saturday, October 21, 2006

call a seamstress

Within the last week, I've had two reservation mishaps that suggest time travel may be possible. There must be a rip in the fabric of space & time.

Trip I ~ Requested dates & times

Fly from Los Angeles to Houston at 4 p.m. on Thursday and return to Los Angeles at 1 p.m. on Sunday.

Actual reservation.

Fly into Houston at 4 p.m. on Thursday.

Fly into Houston at 10 a.m. on Saturday.

So, I was flying LA to Houston twice, with no returns. I'm not sure how I was suppose to get back to LA for my flight on Saturday.

Trip II ~ Requested date & time

Pick up at my apartment on Friday at 7:30 p.m. & drop off at concert. Return to my apartment at midnight.

Actual reservation

Pick up on Friday at 7:30 p.m.. Return Thursday (the previous night) at midnight.

Unless they have upgraded the paratransit vans to Deloreans I have no idea how I was suppose to go back in time to get back home. Even if that were possible would I remember the show?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

CL allstars


for $BEER

- As many CASES of NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE(24/case), it will take to get 4 TICKETS to this game. Look at it this way, we will provide the tailgate party with good beer, if you get me 4 tickets to the game. Think about it.

Triumph Bonneville Black 2004 - $5500

The only reason I am selling is to put my kid through college, so that he does not become a degenerate biker like myself drink too much PBR and stay out all night, so please don't email with stupid offers and prince hakabibi from where ever wanting to ship it to new babbibibibibi.
All some more pics later or send by request, right now I am still in my PJ's and slightly hung over.

free rocks & boulders

free rocks and boulders all sizes you haul them.

I never pay for my rocks.

Monopoly game pieces

We HAVE these pieces (multiple times):

Park Place
North Carolina Ave
Marvin Gardens
Indiana Ave
St. James Place
St. Charles Place
States Ave
Connecticut Ave
Oriental Ave
Baltic Ave
B&O Railroad
Pennsylvania Railroad


Short Line
Pennsylvania AVENUE
Ventnor Ave
Atlantic Ave
Kentucky Ave
Tennessee Ave
Virginia Ave
Vermont Ave
Mediterranean Ave

mmmm Bacon


6 bacon slices (4 oz), cut crosswise into 1/4-inch-wide strips
1 (3 1/2-lb) chicken, cut into 8 serving pieces
1 lb shallots, thinly sliced
1 head garlic, cloves separated and peeled
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

" . . . reserve bacon fat in skillet."

Bacon Grease is the base of the sauce.

Here's one review:

A Cook from Texas on 10/19/06
Nothing heart healthy about this one. I made it for my overweight friends that are heavy smokers and drinkers. They loved it! I enjoyed a nice fresh salad.

now or later

Texas inmate kills self day of execution
Michael Graczyk, AP, 10/19/06

"He was taken to a hospital in nearby Livingston, where he was pronounced dead, Lyons said."

We'll leave the death penalty debate for another time (I suggest reading Dead Man Walking, before any discussion begins) but this is perverse logic.

If doctors had been able to revive him, they would have saved him only to be executed later.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

you've been silenced

Belated MNF recap.

Where did Arizona's defense come from!? Is Neil Rackers looking for a job?

I turned the sound off half way through the second half & since I can't pick up a Cardinals radio broadcast I put the closed captioning on and the Clash's London Calling.

"Death or glory becomes just another story"

Turned the sound back on for the half time show. Boomer & TJ are two of my favorites. Steve Young, well quarterbacks are always a little wired in the booth. Michael Irvin, all I can say is drug related brain damage.

The more I see Tony Kornheiser, the more I think he is a sad man. Kornheiser's poetic waxing on the legendary toughness of the Chicago Bears, made me miss Dick Schaap

Favorite Kornheiser quote:
On Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus, "Butkus, sounds like a fist in the mouth."

Worst Prediction:
"Arizona just made the game's first, first down. They should leave the field, quit right now." ~Tony Kornheiser.

You were a little off Tony, Arizona went on to score 17 unanswered points. At least we didn't have to hear about your fantasy team.

Favorite Mike Tirico Factoid: "A cactus plant can live up to 200 years."

Favorite Theisman Factoid:
"Single bar helmets are no longer allowed but they are grandfathered in."

Favorite Boomer nickname: "Joe Little Bighorn"

Best Miked Up quote: "Good job, we'll dominate their asses." Matt Leinart, AZ Quarterback

I was watching the NFL network prior to kickoff. NFL TV was airing the Cheerleader Playoffs from Six Flags New England in Springfield, MA. Chad Johnson was doing on field interviews with the ladies. "Today's event is the 100 yard dash. What's your strategy." Uh, I could be wrong but I think she's going to try and run faster than the other girl. I know the NFL network needs programming but the Cheerleader playoffs seem like a reach.

"I'm all lost in the supermarket"


I buy my groceries online.

I have a few remarks for the comment box.


After specifying no substitutions for my Pringles Original Potato Crisps I recieved Pringles Madagascar. I have no idea what Madagascar potato crisps are. Is the country known for it's crisps or is Madagascar a type of seasoning like barbeque or ranch?

I adopted a no substitution policy after an unfortunate incident with a cheese order. I requested a pound of sliced Sharp Cheddar Cheese (soooooooo good) but recieved an 8 oz Hoffman Smokey Sharp Cheddar Cheese Deli Vacuum Pack.

"How's the fish?"
"Not so good Al."

My processed substitute had the rubbery consitancy of Velveeta topped with a phony "Smokey" flavoring. Natural flavors doesn't mean the flavors are natural, it only means they make the product smell like you think it should. Not quite what I was looking for.

While we're milling the curd; the last time I checked I have never seen orange milk. If you can color milk why not color it white, let me imagine it sprang from cultured milk not yams.


I've been ordering yogurt since I came home from the hospital. I have yet to recieve one cup.

Store Specials

Rain Checks on out of stock items should automatically be added your account, for the customer to use at his or her discretion.

Fresh Fruit

I've recieved bruised, blemished, battered, & over ripe produce. How about a "Picking out Produce" class for your shoppers(those filling online orders)? The shopper should be a serrogate melon squeezer.


Fresh Step Cat Litter has a new ad campaign, "Fresh Step is so fresh your cat will need help finding it." Is this really a problem you want your cat to have? The commercial shows a series of distressed looking cats trying to find their litter box via the internet.

Monday, October 16, 2006

barnstormin' Mike

Tyson: 'World Tour' could include fights with women
AP, 10/16/06

Professional boxing is full of sad stories, most involving boxers who couldn't/can't manage their lives outside the ring. This has to be the biggest tumble.

The latest chapter in the Life of Tyson, adds weight to Robin Givens' divorce grounds. If Iron Mike wasn't so pathetic and his pain so self inflicted, I might be tempted to make a Sitting Bull working for Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild Wild West Show reference.

"Tyson said the tour was meant to be fun and raise money for charity."

What charity is that Mike, yourself? I thought the tour was because you were broke.

What's next, taking on challengers at the American Legion hall?

Miami sheds reputation

Canes analyst Thomas fired for comments during brawl news services, 10/16/06

"Now, that's what I'm talking about. You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff. You're across the ocean over there. You're across the city. You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing."
~ Lamar Thomas, 36 year old, EX Broadcaster/University of Miami alum who amassed ten touchdowns in a 5 year professional career

Infomercial All Stars

The Rice twins. Freakish. Capable of Evil

"Respect the cock... and tame the cunt. Tame it."
~Frank TJ Mackey, misogynist of the year-cum-huckster

The Devil, Matthew Lesko. You look a little down Matt, could it be your conscience?

Lesko stole his getup from the original Riddler Frank Gorshin

Way creepy promo shot

Juicemonger Jack LaLanne

One of those suits will hang in the pop culture wing of the Smithsonian. Who is his tailor? The replica of David, is a nice touch.

From the infomercial:

"Jack & Elain LaLanne share their home juice recipes."

The rain in Maine falls mainly on the plain.

If you just can't wait one more day, "Rush Delivery Available"



"Adult film stars discuss their careers and celebrity in this behind-the-scenes look at the making of photographer Timothy Greenfield-Sanders's book XXX: 30 Porn-Star Portraits."

Honest, it's not a porn. It's art or at least a documentation of art.

The DVD should feature an optional "blur" mode to cover the male privates or for that matter I suppose the women. I'm not afraid of the male form. I just don't need to repeatedly see dangling members of freakish proportions or bent angles.

Porn is more like the WWF than I ever thought.

Here are some quotes:

"Jenna Jameson is the adult actress that I look up to the most. I finally had the opportunity to work with her and after our first scene together, I ran around and was yelling at everybody to smell my face. I was just like, oh my god I have Jenna Jameson's juice on my face. I'm never gonna wash it again. I was like smell it! It's a hint of Jenna." ~Sunrise Adams

Wow !? I still can't believe she said that. Reminds me of the super fan that wrung out a pair of Flea's (Chili Pepper's bassist) sweat soaked tighty whiteies and drank the liquid.

"Of course there's my ass & vagina mold." ~Gina Lynn

By mold she means a urethane casting not a fungus.

"If I wasn't doing this today, I probably still be working at Sonic (Fast Food Chain)."

"Hypervigilant breasts, it's really from the baby's point of view. The hunger of looking at the nipple or looking at the breast. Breasts are mommies. You don't really want to have sex with mommy, that's why pornography is great 'cause if not we'd just be a bunch of motherfuckers." ~Karen Finley, Performance Artist

Thank you Dr. Freud, millions of men are now rushing to therapy. I have no idea if performance artist is a euphemism.

Read with a Slavic Accent: "You knoow, facking without a kahndom is a big prablem"
~Michael Lucas

Yes, I'd agree.

"Everyone says you're sooo lucky. You have a wonderful life." ~Tera Patrick

Who are these people?

"To me I think I'm the Hale Barry of porn." ~Heather Hunter

Lets see, Hale Barry was rumored to have been paid half a million dollars for baring her breasts in Swordfish, and you get from between $400 for a masturbation scene to $1500 for a male female anal scene.

"I'm just an ACTRESS who's having sex on camera." ~Gina Lynn

"When individuals say that, oh yeah males are just a prop in the adult industry, that's like American society taking school teachers and not paying them what they're worth." ~Sean Michaels

Form a union.

Michaels refers to himself as an artist who dreamt of being a movie producer or director only to find the industry is rife with prejudice.

"There's responsibility 'cause guys are superimposing themselves on you, living vicariously through your performance. Ok, so what's beholden on me is to be like the Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant of porn because what I deliver is what the average guy cannot. That's your super hero aspect. That's an awesome responsibility." ~Lexington Steele

Serious delusions.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I hear the Mean Machine is looking for a running back

Ex-Husker Phillips convicted of assault
AP, 10/10/06

There has been a flurry of activity in the Penal League this off season. The talent pool has seen a serious influx with the addition of former Ohio State standout/NFL washout Maurice Clarett and Nebraska star/pick up game hustla' Lawrence Phillips. Clarett is rumored to be seeking a long term contract. "I got three & half years to do. I don't wanna bounce around the league." Though he's over thirty which generally signals the loss of a step or two Lawrence Phillips is getting a lot of looks.

Either player would be the best runner in the Penal League since Bam Morris' golden years at Leavenworth.

With the possible late season additions of Chris Henry, Koren Robinson & Steve Foley (provided he recovers from sufficiently from gun shot wounds); wardens haven't salivated like this since Ray Lewis was on trial.

Paul Crewe in his playing days.

Former Penal League MVP and current coach Paul Crewe likes his teams chances. "We get Koren Robinson or Chris Henry in here we might be unstoppable."

However, wardens might be wary of investing much in players who will only be doing short bids as Jamal Lewis did.

Who do you put on the cover of the media guide?

Mug shots clockwise from top left; Chris Henry, Maurice Clarett, Koren Robinson & Lawrence Phillips

call the SPCA

from the Boston Globe

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

parabolic flight field trip

"Parabolic flights can simulate microgravity. These parabolic manoeuvres, executed by modified commercial jets, give the opportunity to obtain short periods of free fall. On the upward arc, the thrust of the airplane is adjusted so that there is no lift: the plane is in free fall since nothing reduces the force of gravity. The plane remains in free fall over the top of the parabola and part of the downward arc. Microgravity conditions are achieved for time periods of 15 to 20 seconds, in which it is possible to conduct experiments."
~Canadian Space Agency

from spx:

how much do they want? can we bring animals?

doctor hays w/ beer in coffee cup?


I can't believe who my lawyer is

"Hello, this is La Toya Jackson calling to get some additional details and confirm your appointment with Binder & Binder on Friday. Please give me a call back at . . ."

I guess she gave up on music & pornography.

Monday, October 09, 2006

the patient's status remains unchanged

MNF is on life support and fading fast. Is there any way that ESPN will bring back it's cracker jack team next season?

Tony "I know more than you" Kornheiser continues to annoy. This week he kept repeating, "This is the kind of game that makes people wonder if Jay Cutler should be the starter in Denver." Get a producer on this guy. Tony, we heard you the first ten times you told us.

Theisman is the only one holding up his end. Tirico, I'm sorry Mike you're boring and just not smooth enough for MNF. Killer reception, fumble, three and out; it's the same monotone, maybe you raise your voice but there is no emotion or inflection.

"This is a good football game."
~ Mike Tirico

I appreciate defense & I realize defensive teams have won superbowls but three to three with five minutes remaining in the third period, is not a good game. There are two sides to the game. Fans didn't sit in a driving rain to see two field goals. I was praying the rain turned to snow for the little bit of excitement it would provide.

In regards to the weather:

Why are the referees given water repellent tops yet they wear their dry weather pants?

Why don't coaches wear rain coats? Is it a, "I'm down in the trenches with you boys" mentality. A hooded rain coat is not a sign of weakness and the absence of one is not a sign of solidarity.

Why would a fan attend a game in jeans when the forecast called for rain?

As for the guest stars:

Besides promoting his new show, why was Desperate Housewives star James Denton in the booth? The status of his character's coma is of no interest to me. Correct me if I'm wrong but Mike Delfino made no mention of being a fan of either team or hailing from either city. Was he flown in for the game to plug his show? This is football, if ESPN wants to promote a show on its sister network then air a spot during the commercial breaks. If the network continues to put non football celebrities in the booth while the game is underway I might just barf.

rip "Country, Blue Grass & Blues"

New York's CBGB's closing after 33 years
By Larry McShane, Associated Press Writer | October 9, 2006

"Kristal plans to move the club far from its roots with a new CBGB's in Las Vegas. The owner plans to strip the current club down to the bare walls, bringing as much of it to Nevada as possible."

I'm not sure how I feel about the new locale. Somehow it seems like the contents should be housed in the Smithsonian or the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, not a Vegas casino.

I hope the club isn't franchised.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

file under none of my business

I should have know I was in for a bizarre morning when I started out by listening to Lisa Lisa's super hits. Thank god, You Can Still Rock in America! I'm sorry, please excuse the Night Ranger reference; that's never appropriate.

Young 'Whale Rider' actress pregnant

NEW YORK (AP) — Keisha Castle-Hughes is growing up fast. The 16-year-old actress, who was nominated for a best-actress Oscar for her role in 2002's Whale Rider, is expecting a baby in the spring, the agency that represents her confirmed Friday.

The father is her boyfriend of three years, Bradley Hull, 19.

Castle-Hughes, who was born in Australia, played the Queen of Naboo in last year's Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith. She will be seen next as Mary in The Nativity Story, set for release Dec. 1.


This is a teen pregnancy, right?

The headline is obnoxious bordering on tabloid.

Queen Naboo's next role as the Virgin Mother, that sequence couldn't have been written. How old was Mary the night there was no room at the inn? Will Mary be showing at the premiere?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

take it back, you're gonna regret it

"Heh, they named a school after me!"

"President George W. Bush holds up a T-shirt (the shirt reads, George W. Bush Elementary Where Eagles Soar) from George W. Bush Elementary School while visiting with students in Stockton, Calif.," Tuesday, Oct. 3, 2006. White House photo by Eric Draper.

Do you know how long it took them to take down the statues of Stalin?

The 43rd back in his school days

"There Is No Phone Ringing!"

Chuck Heston reading the above title.

New phone will scream if it's stolen

AP, 10/2/06

Now if they could just make it retroactive to the Congolese cabbie I had in San Diego, who felt compelled to call his homeland for three hours after he recovered my cell phone and had charged me $18 for a ride that cost $5 each subsequent time I took the same route.

the ultimate tree house

MIT plants seeds of a new kind of house
Carolyn Y. Johnson
Boston Globe, 9/26/06

Faced with global warming, a projected energy crunch, and suburban sprawl, a team of MIT researchers has envisioned a radical antidote: truly ``green" homes, nurtured from seedling to tree house.

The ``fab tree hab" is a fanciful orb of a home that is literally alive, with a frame of growing tree trunks grafted together, insulation made of clay and straw, and vines instead of vinyl siding. The heating, cooling, and plumbing would all mimic natural processes.

MIT must have sponsored a field trip to Bonfante's Gardens to examine the Circus Trees. I hope the inspiration was properly cited. Perhaps the homes should be called "Erlandsons".

"This botanical adventure began in Hilmar, California in the 1920's when Axel Erlandson (in photo below at left), a farmer by trade, observed the natural grafting of two Sycamores. His first major project consisted of fusing four Sycamore saplings into a cupola that he named the "Four-Legged Giant." Using intricate grafting techniques, Erlandson wove his wonders with threads of living wood. Straight tree trunks became complex and compound designs in shapes like hearts, lightning bolts, basket weaves and rings."

Monday, October 02, 2006

come see our hole

Kennecott Mine, Utah

"Standing at the overlook within the Bingham Canyon Mine, you can see, hear, and feel the breathtaking and awesome magnitude of the largest man-made excavation on earth."

You must go in season though. We were turned back at the gate. No amount of double talk could pry the door

"NOTE: For safety reasons, motorcycles can no longer enter the Mine including the road to the Mine Visitors Center."

Great, there goes half of my plan. Hopefully, there are no objections to croquet mallets and golf tees.

"From the overlook, you can watch 240 and 320 ton capacity haulage trucks deliver copper ore to the in-pit crusher, where the material is reduced to the size of soccer balls before being loaded onto a five-mile conveyor that carries the ore to the Copperton Concentrator."

See our trucks & ride the 5 mile Copperton Conveyer.

2 miles across, 3/4 mile deep.

"Mining by it's very nature must disturb the land. But we're committed to minimizing the impact that our operations have on the environment and returning the land, where practical, back to its natural habitat."

Alright, lets fill that hole in Bob.

project big hole ~ world's largest strip mines

"Sir, I hardly think golf spikes are necessary. What magazine did you say you were with? Please put your hard hat back on. Yes, it's nice you brought your own. No thank you sir, alcohol is not allowed on the grounds."

from spx:

we're here for the hole, show us to the hole. we are travelers from a distant land, and we heard you have a nice hole. we'd like to take part of it with us as a souvenir, to show our people. did you receive the fax a few days ago? it displays our credentials, and calls for our VIP treatment. take us to your leader, hole-digga. Do you have facilities for our driver to wash up?

tee-off into the abyss. whole in one.