Wednesday, May 31, 2006

do you believe me now?

Man severs penis to prove faithfulness
May 30, 2006

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia --A man who apparently severed his penis in an attempt to convince his wife that he was faithful to her was recovering after surgery to reattach the organ at a northern Malaysian hospital, a news report said Tuesday.

The 41-year-old man, who was not identified, got into an argument last Friday with his wife, who found a text message on his mobile phone from another woman. The man was heard by his son shouting that he wanted to prove he was not having an affair, the New Straits Times reported.

The assertion was followed by loud screams and the man emerged from his room bleeding profusely, his 14-year-old son quoted as saying. His wife rushed him to hospital.

for active children

"They took all the trees & put 'em a tree museum"

In the early days of the 21st century the president issued an edict stating that global warming was a hoax; oil slicks clear and trees grow back

*suffocation hazard this bag is not a toy do not place in or around a crib

"All the other kids make fun of my because I have last years rebreather."

the habitable beast !

all guides on the bitch seem to be wholly inadequate

Journeyman's Guide to (In)Sensible Desert Expedition,
by Dr. C.M.go Ferry

During hot weather, walk through the desert slowly and rest for 10 minutes every hour. Begin early in the morning or late in the day. Water and body temperature are critical to survival. A person requires about a gallon of water each day. Be sure extra drinking water is available as it may be the difference between life and death.

-as experienced desert dwellers know this is a myth perpetuated by park rangers of far greater impt. is enough libation, a knife to cut the limes and a proper coacktail shaker

To reduce water loss, keep the mouth closed, breathe through the nose and avoid conversation. Do not drink alcohol. It causes dehydration. Digestion consumes water so don't eat food if there is not a sufficient amount of water available. Don't ration water in hot weather. When you are thirsty, drink. Conserve water as best as possible and look for more.

-no alcohol, avoid conversation & look for water!? again with the water; a tired slog is what they promote. I say laugh at the sand, laugh at man & squeeze the animal skin

In the summer, ground temperatures can be 30 degrees hotter than the surrounding air temperature, so, when resting, sit at least 12 inches above the ground on a stool or a branch.

-avoid flopping around or burrying yourself in sand while you loose your mind or rather are in the process of finding it

Body temperature is absorbed in three ways: from direct sunlight, hot air and heat reflected from the ground. Stay in the shade and wear clothing, including shirt, hat and sunglasses. Clothing helps ration sweat by slowing evaporation and prolonging the cooling effect. Travel at night or early in the day if possible

-bright floral cabana shirts and/or a tyvek get up is adviseable

*pictures were unavailable at press time but shall be added at a later date

there are no orthopedists in prison

Overheard at County

female voice:
"I missed my appointment because I went to prison. (laughter) I was in prison for 8 months and 20 days. (more laughter) I got out early."


From across the waiting room a girl spotted my leg. Her eyes went wide and she winced. She rubbed her knee as she raised and lowered her leg a few times.


Spoke with a guy that had been hit in the head with a pipe. He used his suede lamb's wool lined jacket as a bandage. He thinks 'Barbaro' is going to race again and has fond memories of a dog he used to get stoned.

"He knew me. I used to blow bud on him."

That's Barbaro's leg not mine - he's got 23 pins I only have 19

Monday, May 29, 2006

vengence is mine

They ride to honor their fallen brethren
By Brian MacQuarrie, Globe Staff | May 29, 2006

The Patriot Guard Riders were formed last year in Kansas to shield families from a fringe group of protesters associated with Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka. The protesters had traveled to funerals across the country to spread a belief that the war is God's vengeance against society for acceptance of homosexuality.


the folks at westboro baptist have a serious disconnect

"This whole mess could have been avoided if people would stop buying Elton John's albums and watching Ellen."

Hey pastor, the "war" was manufacured by christian bigots who spend their spare time campaigning against same sex marriage

Thursday, May 25, 2006


kenny boy has got to go away

no more $1000 suits - get used to prison denim - navy beans & stroganoff - don't take my jello - you're a flight risk - surrender your passport you won't need it where you're going

life would be appropriate you're evil & uncurable

gentleman farmer

My father's tractor is in constant disrepair. My solution is to get an ox or two. They'll be able to handle most anything & there's already a pen for them in the barn. Of course, I invision the pig going for a swim with the dog and the orangutan keeping his room clean.


good dog

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

masquerade ball

"ah jim let's get the gas masks on those burros"

"really martha, I saw the milkman go in when her husband left."

the hun's solution:

"civil defense boys! Hurry! Jerry's got his u boats right off the coast."

lest we forget fido:

rip LB

"Senator I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy."

Nice glamour shot Danny boy.

LB you must have cringed @ this one

sand castles

Beaches From Malibu To Redondo Have High Levels Of Bacteria In Sand

"Wash your hands and watch that you don't consume a lot of the sand."
-Jennifer Jay on how you can protect yourself


katrina cottage

Tiny Houses Find a Friend on the Gulf Coast



classic cabins-a-go-go, one could run a small country from one of those boxes! hillarious that the 2 success stories, they were living on their parents land in one of the tiny houses, for plugging into the electricity and taking showers.

very real niche for these things. the future is here, we shall all live in little boxes from the cradle to the tomb!!!

"101 ways to defile your zorb"


similar to the unit cabin on wheels

i could see some Zorb races in the dunes. at night we each curl up in our own units for sleeping. we'll construct a gigantic hydrolic mallet to "tee off" the occupied zorbs.
"rudely awakened in the morning by my cohorts as they launched my Zorb (with me inside) for a 20 yard chip shot...before the continental breakfast was served"


push me up & roll me down

the camel must done a yoke

night races would be the best - giant glowing zorbs sailing through the night

and bizarre is what we're after!

"We've had over 100,000 Zorbonauts and not a single one has vomited inside the Zorb (thank goodness - I'd hate to have to clean it out.)
The experience is NOT like being in a tumble drier - the Zorb rotates once every 10 metres - so the revolving sensation is not stomach turning - although it is VERY bizarre."

was tempted to ask the man if he had investigated a mallet, sling shot or catapult for the zorb but I believe launching the ball would fall under this category:

"How high a cliff can you jump off?
Forget it - jumping of cliffs in the Zorb is not a smart idea."

Glad to see there are like minded folks out there.

There must be an equation that can be done to find the tinsel strength & drop ceiling and provided you didn't exceed that all would be well in the zorb. I envision a beach or dune run out into the ocean



adrift on the high sea in the zorb....

hmm, perhaps a drop test is in order. prep the space monkey.

perhaps a vehicle ram (mallet) would get the sucker moving. must have playa surface. human bocci ball?

we'll put out a guidebook "101 ways to defile your zorb"

Monday, May 22, 2006

Dear Mr. President,

I am giving you the benifit of the doubt and assuming that when this song aired in 1969 you were not watching pbs. So, in my continuing effort to fill the gaps in your upbringing here you go. It's not to late you can stop when you want to.

What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.

don't pee on my bush

Urine ruins W.Va. courthouse shrubbery
May 22, 2006

BECKLEY, W.Va. --Shrubbery next to the Raleigh County Courthouse has been ruined by homeless people who urinate there and must be replaced, the county commission president says.

Sandblasting of the courthouse caused some damage to the shrubbery, but the homeless are exacerbating the problem by urinating on the bushes, said John Aliff.

"It's turning yellow," Aliff said. "That's why we decided to get some bids on replacing some of that stuff. So we're going to look at the bids when they come in and see whether it's the correct thing to do and whether we can afford it."

Aliff said the commission would seek the advice of bidders on how to protect the shrubbery. One solution might be plant new shrubs farther away from the building, he indicated.

"We don't want any more bathroom use there," Aliff added.


I'm generally sympathic towards the homeless but in this case . . .

leg boogie

in an effort to "wake up" my leg we took it out to dinner & to a brazilian night club to hear some reggae. results were mixed.

home furnishing

I hate white walls. I will not have white walls in my home. White walls and carpet, filty, dander ridden carpet. Rugs? Rugs are fine


"House dust may contain insect debris, animal dander, human dander, food remnants and fibers from different fabrics. Dust mites feed on house dust and thrive in mattresses and pillows because of the warmth and available human dander. Mite excrement is another harmful component of house dust."

Argghh, I'm allergic to myself!! The dog looks pretty itchy too.

"The possible role of human dander in house dust allergy was investigated. Naturally shed human mite-free skin squames were collected from bedding and used to prepare a human dander extract."

What exactly is Human Dander? On average what is the percentage of oil, skin, & hair in, what, let's say an ounce of dander? And what percentage of an ounce of house dust is human dander?

Posible solution:

Of course an open air house on a sandy isle is the ideal.

Did Gauguin really suffer from syphilis?

Bush was speaking to the National Restaurant Association in Chicago today. He was talking about people looking back on this moment in US history and saying that American's did not run. Now, why he's trying to fire up a bunch of foodies is beyond me, but what are we "not running away from"? Because at first I thought he told me we weren't running from terroists but now I'm hearing we're not running from our responsability in Iraq. Well dub you created the neccesity now didn't you. I'm sure glad that knowing what you know now you wouldn't change a thing.

The eels are playing with smoosh this friday at the roxy. I have no idea what that means. Morning becomes eclectic (kcrw) will grease your wheels. It should just be called music that doesn't suck - other than that edict there is no playlist

A hummingbird flew by my window but now the black crow is back - was the hummingbird telling me to go

This dude looks like a thug. Check out the teeth! Those bears in London that dined on monkey do not want to run into this guy.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

check plus: exceeds expectations

leg update:

Revised cage removal date of 3 to 6 months. Six months, if a bone graft is required, which the odds are against at this point. So, at a minimum two months have been shaved off my original sentence. When my mother heard the news she congratulated me and attributed it to, "BEING YOUNG AND HEALTHY, HAVING HEALTHY HABITS AND DOING AS THE DOCS TELL YOU TO. wE'LL KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED, ETC THAT EVERYTHING GOES WELL THIS MONTH!! (her caps not mine)"

I love my mother. She is well aware that several of my habits are decidely unhealthy, but I love my mother. She bought me some rather "loud" shorts for my birthday which I will proudly wear. My parents are hip to it, they also sent along a book, "All the Shah's Men: An American Coup & the Roots of Middle East Terror." We create our own terror & caos.

From the Back Cover:

"A very gripping read . . . a cautionary tale for our current leaders."
--The New York Times

In a riveting narrative that reads like a thriller, All the Shah’s Men brings to life the 1953 CIA coup in Iran--a regime change that ousted the country’s elected prime minister, ushered in a quarter-century of brutal rule under the Shah, and stimulated the rise of Islamic fundamentalism and anti-Americanism in the Middle East. Selected as one of the best books of the year by the Washington Post and the Economist, it’s essential reading if you want to put the American conquest of Iraq in context.

"An entirely engrossing, often riveting, nearly Homeric tale. . . . For anyone with more than a passing interest in how the United States got into such a pickle in the Middle East, All the Shah’s Men is as good as Grisham."
--The Washington Post Book World

can I trust ya

If the federal government is taking ~25% of my income there god damn better be public television. Those poor bastards shouldn't have to go on tv & beg for donations. Can't I have a media source that's not beholden to a corporation? Isn't that a right? Shouldn't it be in the constitution?

love, love me do

". . . they are separating after nearly four years of marriage, blaming intrusion from the media . . ."

"Separation for any couple is difficult enough, but to have to go through this so publicly, especially with a small daughter, is immensely stressful," it added. "We hope, for the sake of our baby daughter, that we will be given some space and time to get through this difficult period."


I don't care about your breakup anymore than I cared about your union. You court the media when you have an album to promote and then you can't understand why you can't drink your latte in peace. Sir Paul, you can't have it both ways.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

yogurt mishap

Apparently the cap was loose on my yogurt, when I went to shake it, it ended up all over my room. What a mess. I was covered. My bed took a direct hit as well as the wall and a pile of clean clothes. I had to shower and do a load of laundry. I will be checking the cap from now on.

the adventures of Logray & Cowboy

my ride

proper attire

For the desert might I suggest: