Wednesday, November 29, 2006

theme song

Mr. President,

The enclosed song was written for the war in which you so valiantly served your country. However, I find it eerily similar to your current debacle. In light of your piousness I'm sure you already know about the Jesus part.

"But your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.
We're already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don't like killin'
No matter what the reason's for,
And your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more."
~John Prine


The valedictions from George Bush's State of the Union addresses:

Thank you all. May God bless. (Applause.)


Americans are a free people, who know that freedom is the right of every person and the future of every nation. The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity. (Applause.)

We Americans have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. We do not know -- we do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving God behind all of life, and all of history.

May He guide us now. And may God continue to bless the United States of America. (Applause.)

My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable -- and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years. And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true.

May God continue to bless America. (Applause.)

Thank you, and may God bless America. (Applause.)


May God bless America. (Applause.)

I'm not sure I heard you

Dubya aboard the USS Lincoln, 5/1/03

"I'm not gonna pull our troops off the battlefield before the mission is accomplished."
~George W. Bush, 11/29/06

So this supersedes the memo from May 2003?

identity crisis

I received a phone call this morning on my home phone that was suppose to have been disconnected two weeks ago. Here's the transcript.

Creepy automated HAL 9000 voice:

"Hello, this is the Chase fraud department. We would like to confirm some recent activity on account number 7897685543. If this is not Lavern Johnson please press 1. (I pressed one) If Lavern Johnson is not available please press 1. (Again, I pressed one) Thank you, please have Lavern Johnson call 800-345-6754. That number again is 800-345-6745."

I sincerely hope Lavern is not a victim of fraud, but this is not her phone number.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

toilet travels

I've been following the movement of a neighborhood comode for two weeks now. The bowl has moved three times. I'm not sure if the same person or group is moving the commode each time.

Location 1: Outside of a single Family Home

Location 2: Outside of the Day Care Center down the street from location 1

Location 3: A block away from the Day Care Center

nonsense mail

I am a childless bachelor. Apparently, the Consumer Value Store feels otherwise.

"Now is the perfect time to get a Washington Mutual Home Equity Line of Credit."

As you may or may not be able see from the address, I live in an apartment. I rent. I think that owning a home would be a prerequisite for obtaining a home equity loan.

all night long

It's not a party without a little Lionel and some High Life.

MNF Recap

The game time meal was provided by Famima. I recommend the carbonara pasta & shrimp sticky bun. Famima's fare is light years ahead of the corndogs & microwavable hamburgers at 711.

The Game:

Farve's consecutive game streak (232) is amazing. Instead of comparing it to the longest running Broadway show or Cal Ripken's streak, I would have like to see how it stacks up against other quarterbacks. Lorenzo should come back next year. He still has the physical skills to lead an NFL team. There were several near miss big pass plays to Donald Driver, that could have tipped the game in Green Bay's favor.

Field Turf, looks nasty as the snow begins to melt and the slush mixes with the shredded tires that spray out of the field.

"Like its natural grass cousin, FieldTurf’s grass fibers are surrounded and stabilized by a special blend of “synthetic earth” - FieldTurf’s patented mixture of smooth, rounded silica sand, rubber granules, and NIKE GRIND made of re-ground athletic shoe material."

The blow to the head call against Green Bay's Cullen Jenkins on third & nine, with nine minutes to go in the fourth quarter was bogus. Hasselback was slapped in the back. No one wants to see players get hurt but football is a contact sport. The blown call could very well have cost Green Bay the game. At that point they were only down by a field goal (27-24). Of course if the Packers had capatilized on more than one of the four first half turnovers committedited by the 'hawks (read as Hasselback) the blown call might have been a moot point.

Quote of the night:

"Stevens (Seattle TE) was kneed in the man region." ~Tony Kornball

I suppose you can't say he was kneed in the balls in week nine against Oakland.

Non MNF thoughts:

Is it too late for a quarterback change in Denver? If Jay Cutler is the stud everyone in the Mile High city is hoping he is and that he appeared to be in the preseason than the answer is no, but a rookie quarterback is bound to experience some ups and downs and at this point in the season you can't afford an off week.

Junior Seau(Patriots LB) may be done forever. The Theismanesque broken arm he suffeed Sundaynday might have ended his illustrious 17 year career. His arm was flopping and placed in a cast before he left the field. Seau was having quite a renaissance in New England after underachieving (all be it in part due to injuries) for three years in Miami. Originally signed to fill in for Tedy Bruschi when he went down with a broken wrist in the preseason, and thought by many to only be a third down player, the Hall of Famer proved he had plenty of gas left in his tank. After Bruschi's return, the two teamed together inside allowing Mike Vrabel to move to the outside and was fourth on the team with 70 tackles.

To all networks & media outlets: Please stop using that ridiculous long hair & bearded headshot of Joey Harrington. He has returned to his clean cut ways.

USC v. UCLA is the NCAA game of the week.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I can see clearly now

'Beer goggles' effect explained
BBC News

"Scientists believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect a drinker's vision."

"The drink-fuelled phenomenon is said to transform supposedly "ugly" people into beauties - until the morning after."

"The research was commissioned by eyecare firm Bausch & Lomb PureVision."

How is Bausch & Lomb going to use this knowledge?


Nursing mother's protest grows
Organizers target Delta today
Raja Mishra, Boston Globe, 10/21/06

"Today, with the frantic Thanksgiving travel week underway, dozens of self-proclaimed 'lactivists' plan to suckle their infants in front of Delta ticketing counters around the nation, including at Logan International Airport."

"The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that new mothers give only breast milk for the first six months of a child's life, and says there is no evidence of harm if breastfeeding continues into a child's third year."

I'd say by age three the child should be on solids.

mnf recap

Rough week for the Mannings. Eli played horrible but you can't hang the loss entirely on him. The Giants have been ravaged by injuries and the Jags eliminated the run. Let the Phillip Rivers second guessing rage.

Manning's stats through ten games:

2202 yards passing, 57.8% completion percentage, 16 touchdowns and 13 interceptions for a quarterback rating of 77.5

River's stats through ten games:

2307 yards passing, 63% completion percentage, 15 touchdowns & 5 interceptions for a quarterback rating of 99.7

Bill Belichick and Tom Landry

Jack Del Rio,(as Tony Kornball kept repeating) looked good patrolling the sidelines in a suit & tie. It reminded me of Tom Landry or Dan Reeves. Why did the NFL need to grant permission to Del Rio and San Francisco coach Mike Nolan to wear suits while coaching? The answer no doubt involves marketing & merchandise sales. It was made very clear by the announcers, that Del Rio was wearing a Reebok suit. Seriously though, Bill Belichick's cut off sweatshirt and track pants are OK but a suit requires approval? At least coaches don't wear uniforms like baseball managers. Can you imagine Bill Parcells in pads and shiny uniform pants?

Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells

Kornheiser continued his painful pregame team lore soliloquies. Last night's speech on the Giants was, "The Road to the broadcast booth goes through New York City." Tony, you included, Frank Gifford in the list of former Giants & Jets players turned broadcasters but failed to mention his 27 year relationship with the MNF broadcast. How about talking about the game that is about to be played?

Kornheiser was on a roll last night. Here are some quotes.

"He could just knock the snaps away like a basketball game. Then he's be naked. That'd be a mistake on his part."
~Kornheiser on Del Rio's suit

"That's three first round picks (on wide receivers) and you're getting, as we like to say squadoosh out of them."
~Kornheiser on the Jags receiving corps.

"The Giants felt the hot breath of Bill Parcells and the Cowboys on their neck."
~Kornheiser on the Cowboys win this week after the Giants loss last week to the Bears

Tony's broadcast partners also got in on the act.

"Hanson(Jaguars punter) on a school night."
~Mike Tirico, as the Jaguars were punting

"I think that's a crock of baloney Suzie."
~Joe Theisman on the Jaguars' receivers difficulty adjusting to quarterback David Gerrard's mobility.

Other thoughts:

The Giants have no redzone defense.

Jaguars defensive lineman, John Henderson (6'7", 325 pounds) is a LARGE man.

I still can't believe the Minnesota Vikings' draft snafus of 2002 & 2003.

NCAA Football

How did Rutgers lose to Cinncinatti? Ohio State v. Michigan lived up to the hype. Cal v. USC, not so much. I'm looking foward to USC v. Notre Dame.

Monday, November 20, 2006

rabid anti-dentite

In light of Michael Richard's racist meltdown:

Think Cosmo will get an invite to the Apocalypto premier?

Will the DVD sales of Seinfeld Season 7 (slated for a 10/21/06 release) be hurt?

Will he deny being a racist? Will he ever work again?

the baby channel

Nitetime Programs for Baby

"Educational. Soft lullaby music & soothing images designed to help baby prepare for sleep."

I guess you have to get a jump on tube immersion.

Bathed in the blue glow of the television, baby fell softly to sleep.

Cartoon by, Armando Alegre

Saturday, November 18, 2006

a natural nine

Ian Fleming

In honor of the release of Casino Royale, here are some passages from the original book that might not have made it into the movie.

SPOILER ALERT - If you haven't seen the movie or read the book and plan on either don't read the last quote.

Bond to Felix Leiter:

"I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made."

Describing Le Chiffre's bodyguard:

"He had something of a Lennie in Of Mice & Men, but his inhumannity would not come from infantilism but from drugs. Marihuana, decided bond."

Bond on Vesper Lynd:

"And then there was this pest of a girl. He sighed. Women were for recreation."

On Bulgarian Hitmen:

"They're stupid, but obedient."

Upon meeting CIA agent Felix Leiter:

" . . . Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas."

Bond on Vesper Lynd. The last line of the book:

"Yes dammit I said 'was'. The bitch is dead now."

Friday, November 17, 2006

habitual carcass raper

via six

Man has sex with dead deer


A man is accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road – but his lawyer denies that he committed bestiality, on the grounds that a dead deer isn't an animal any more.

20-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin allegedly had sex with the deer corpse after he found it on the roadside on October 11 this year. Authorities say he told police that he noticed the deer lying in a ditch, and then moved the corpse into the woods.

He is charged with 'sexual gratification with an animal' – but in a magnificent piece of legal footwork, his attorney argues that he can't be guilty of that crime, because a carcass isn't an animal, the Duluth News Tribune reports.

Public defender Fredric Anderson filed a motion last week which claimed: 'The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.'

He said that if you try to include corpses in the category of 'animals', then 'you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.' The only clear place to draw a line in the definition of what is an animal, and what isn't, was at the point of death, he argued.

He gave the example of a roast turkey – with which it would be illegal to have sex under the braoder interpretation of the law – claiming that it was unreasonable to suggest it should still be classified as an animal for the purposes of law.

In response, prosecutor James Broughner argued that a deer carcass is still an animal – pointing out that in his statement to police, Hathaway called the corpse a 'dead deer,' demonstrating that he still thought of it as an animal.

Judge Michael Lucci noted when hearing the arguments that: 'I'm a little surprised this issue hasn't been tackled before in another case.'

If Hathaway is convicted, he could serve up to two years in prison, because of a previous conviction in 2005 for shooting dead a horse called Bambrick. So that he could have sex with it.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

you already got me

Dear Netflix,

I am not sure who is handling your direct marketing, but they might want to cross reference their list of potential customers with those that are already nextflix subscribers.

While I appreciate the free two week trial I received in the post, I won't be able to use it, as I have been a member since, June of 2004. Hopefully, member fees will not be increased due to the overlap in marketing.

Best regards,

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

migraine inducing

The Luke and Laura Ring, brought to you by Sears and ABC.


"General Hospital's (long running abc soap opera) Luke and Laura's love will last a lifetime and this is your chance to be part of it. Now you can celebrate their everlasting love and a love of your own with Luke and Laura's Ring!"

* An emerald cut cubic zirconia dominates this classy anniversary ring. Set in sterling silver, the center stone is surrounded by parades of smaller stones studding a triple split sterling silver band. A luxurious look to mark your special day.

I think it looks like a wrestling belt but people are buying it. I'd love to get the demographics on the buyers. I can't imagine anyone deciding they needed or wanted the ring.

Here's a couple of reviews.

"I am truly amazed at the beauty of this ring. What a great symbol to represent one of the greatest love stories of all time. Luke and Laura will always live forever in everyone's hearts."

Not everyone is so happy.



Had a leg appointment @ County, today.

T-minus 4 weeks until cage removal. The doc called it an early christmas present. New Years will be cageless. The screws are supposed to be loosened in three weeks. Pants here we come!


unseen male doctors' voices:

Dr. A: "We were gonna lop the toes off."
Dr. B: "Yeah, they never showed."
Dr. A: "I put it back in your box."
Dr. B: "Sorry about that."

The access van blows through a red light with a camera.

van driver, male, slavic accent:

"Everytime they ticket, get my money, I want they facking spend it on something they don't want, like facking body bags."

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

note to self

I like to fill in the optional gift message line when I buy something for myself online.

the menagerie

A herd of capybara, the world's largest rodent. They can reach over 4 feet in length.

from spx

Dear Sirs,

I am the caretaker for my boss's proper menagerie facility in the gentle California coastal mountains. The good Doctor wishes to increase his collection with a few more exotics. I found your webpage and was interested in some pricing quotes.

He finds hoofstock most interesting, in particular a breeding pair of Capybera. He also desires a miniature cow. I also saw on your webpage you purvey zebra as well.

Please email me a price guide for your animals, in particular the ones listed above, for the Doctor's review.

Much Thanks,

Majordomo and Menagerie Caretaker

liar's lake exotics

CMF to domo & inadvertently to liar's lake exotics


better make sure that bovine lactates - nothing worse than a dry utter when you go to mix the caucasian

find out the gestation on the capy, lest aptos become overrun with the hairy bastards - though I imagine the Feral pig would be quite interested to meet another potential food source though at the capy's fullgrown length I suspect only the young & infirmed in the troop would be vulnerable

any sort of permit needed to fell the wild boar in SC county?

domo to liars lake

Dear Sirs,

The Doctor had question on the miniature bovine. He has great concern that the cow be able to produce milk. Is this so?

I have answered and addressed his other concerns.
Please disregard his previous group reply.

Thanks Again.

MNF recap

Tampa Bay fans bring full size Chucky Dolls to the games ?

Steve Smith's bonk & rally is the stuff of legend.

Ex-TopCats Renee Thomas & Angela Keathly

Jeff Gordon's presence in the booth added nothing to my enjoyment of the game. I would have rather had a, "Where are they now" report on Renee Thomas & Angela Keathly; the two Panthers cheerleaders who were arrested and dismissed from the squad last year after a having an intimate encounter in the bathroom stall at Banana Joe's bar. Shocking conduct. Did the relationship survive? I like to imagine the ladies are hiding out in the Arena League under assumed names. Would the Canadian Football League allow them to cheer? The CFL did welcome Ricky Williams (notorious reefer addict) with open arms. "We in the CFL believe in second chances. Actually, smoke all you want."

Keyshawn Johnson's touchdown dance in front of Steve Young & Young's amused look were both great.

Non-NFL Athletics

NCAA Football: Ohio State vs. Michigan is going to be sweet. As for the BCS, go Scarlet Knights.

Yahoo NBA recap: "Nov 13 Szczerbiak (gluteus strain) returned to the lineup Monday, scoring 14 points on 5-of-11 shooting."

He sat out due to a sore ass.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

you're at the wrong party

According to Consumer Reports the Subaru Baja is the most reliable pickup truck on the market.

I don't doubt the Baja's reliability, but seriously it's a pickup?

Friday, November 10, 2006

my civic duty

"This is to advise that your request for an excuse from jury duty has been reviewed. Unfortunately, we are unable to grant your request. Therefore, you are required to prepare for service during the week and at the location listed in the upper right corner of this notice."

I'm starting to think that death is the only disability recognized by government agencies.

You are hereby summoned by the Superior Court of Los Angeles for service as a trial juror:

Stanley Mosk Courthouse

DURING THE WEEK OF: 08-27-2007

OK, I'll pencil that in for next August.


Seriously, you expect me to hold onto the summons for 10 months? No further correspondance will be sent?

If the cage is still on, I'm going to tell the judge that I'm happy to serve but I'll need to sit in the front row preferably on the left side of the jury box so I can prop my leg up.

don't do it

The sneeze guard duck under or long distance reach defeats the purpose of the guard. Walk around if you really need to get to the cottage cheese and don't use the mashed potato spoon for the green beans, it makes a mess.

private time is no longer private

Last night the urinal cake talked to me. What's more, it was talking about a prison movie. It was rather garbled but the cake mentioned a bottle of merlot and Brokeback Mountain.

This is what I could make out, "Would you like some merlot? I make it in the toilet."

"Who's down there? Who said that?"

Before I noticed the talking cake, I thought Ed Platt from Get Smart was hiding in the trash can waiting to give me my assignment.


"Awesome movie, how'd you hear about it?"
"The urinal tipped me off."
"Yeah, that's how my brother in law got his plumber."

Behold the Wizmark. The wiz is billed as an, "Interactive Urinal Communicator".

"Wizmark can talk, sing, or flash a string of lights around a promotional message when greeting a "visitor". The large anti-glare, water-proof viewing screen is strategically located just above the drain to ensure guaranteed viewing without interruptions."

Conflicting messages from the communicator:

Mmmm, nothing quite as refreshing as a beer advertised in a urinal.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

it's ok to laugh

The honorable gentleman Rick Santorum's Concession Speech

Goodbye Hatemonger. Go infect elsewhere.

Insider Tips

from citysearch

Save Money

"There are two ways to avoid pesky long lines and cover charges, make a table reservation with bottle service or arrive by helicopter. Those landing on the heliport will also avoid valet charges."

If people are arriving via helicopter do you think they are worried about saving money or valet charges?

modern day sarcophagus

To die for? MLB fans can take team devotion to grave
Associated Press

"With a new venture that will put Major League Baseball team logos on urns and caskets, the league and a company that makes funeral products will find out just how many fans want to be decked out in their team colors and logos for eternity."

"It's officially licensed. We've got the hologram sticker to prove it."

"When they told us dad was in a counterfeit urn we were devastated. We've since transferred him to an officially licensed urn. On Sundays we take him down from the mantel and watch the game with him."

The MLB urn, although creepy is somewhat understandable. The MLB casket is mind boggling. No one is going to see it, save alien anthropologists who are going to have no idea why giant Cardinals or Indian caricatures were emblazoned on the caskets of man's dead. A more cost effective strategy would be to drape a team flag or blanket over the casket.

That being said, please pack enough Fenway Franks in my casket to carry me across the river Styx.

na na hey hey goodbye

See ya Donny! Creep on back to your ranch. I hope the ghosts of the 18 year olds you sent to die don't haunt you.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

safer colorado

via Honk

"The Colorado Alcohol-Marijuana Equalization Initiative proposes a simple change to the Colorado statutes. By changing one sentence, it would make the possession of less than one ounce of marijuana legal under state law for individuals 21 years of age and older. "

check out all of the ads

China Bowl 2007

In anticipation of next year's Seattle New England game in Beijing, NFL teams have started to sell Chinese merchandise.

The New England Patriots have had a Chinese version of their website since 2004. Team owner Robert Kraft cited his family's long standing business dealings in China and increased Chinese interest in American sports as the impetus for the Chinese site. The Oakland Raiders offer the news room portion of their website in Chinese, though that's probably due to the Bay Area's large Chinese population.

Barring the addition of new franchises the NFL has maxed out it's fan base in the U.S. New NFL commissioner Roger Goodell must be salivating at the 1.3 billion potential Chinese fans.

With China's history of copyright infringement the marketing & licensing of NFL products should be interesting.

MNF recap

I couldn't believe ESPN was using, Randy Moss vs. Deion Branch to hype the game. It worked out well. Here's the final stat line: Moss, 6 receptions for 76 yards & two notable drops; Branch, 4 receptions for 61 yards & a TD. Truly, a battle for the ages. Steve Sabol is already working on his voiceover for NFL Films.

Branch's first quarter endzone dance was more celebrating than he had done in his entire career in New England.

When Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselback returns Seneca Wallace needs to be incorporated into Seattle's offense. It does the Hawks no good to have a Kordell Stewart type holding a clipboard. Wallace finished the game with 3 rushes for 49 yards.

Tony Kornball going after The Boz in the booth was low class. Here's the quote, "Your career was not as good as we or you though it was going to be. Is there anything you regret about your career?" The booth was not the place for this, Boz didn't come on the program to be grilled or reminded that his nfl career didn't pan out. The producers asked him to appear because he was a colorful player who had a history, all be it brief of playing against the Raiders and Bo Jackson.

"There's Al Davis, he can't be happy." ~Tony Kornheiser

I'm not sure Al Davis even knew where he was.

"It's not the way you want to see Al Davis go out."
~Michael Wilbon, Kornheiser's partner on Pardon the interruption

The man is probably listening to the broadcast in the owner's box, and despite my earlier dig he is still somewhat coherent, have some respect.

Davis went from an assistant coach to owner. Throughout the years the nfl has needed Al Davis. Some descent in an organization is good, even if he's played a part in blocking the nfl's return to Los Angeles. Al, you moved the Raiders to Oakland, why would you have exclusive rights to an nfl franchise in LA? It's a bit like a jealous ex-boyfriend who broke up with the girl and now doesn't want to see her with another guy.

Robert Gallery, Raiders offensive lineman and former number 2 draft pick is entering bust territory or at best ineffectual. He was literally run over a few times. Considering who went after him do you think the Raiders would like that pick back? Phillip Rivers, Kellen Winslow, Larry Fitzgerald & Ben Roethlisberger were all taken after Gallery

I thought Art Shell was going to breakdown & cry during his post game press conference. Of course with the way his team blocked at age 59 the Hall of Fame offensive lineman probably could have suited up and done a better job.

Was Art Shell away from the game too long? Prior to his return to the fold, he hadn't coached since the 2000 season in Atlanta. Former Rams & Chiefs head coach Dick Vermeil was away from coaching for 15 years. Vermeil went a combined 9 and 23, in his first two seasons back in the nfl, so maybe Shell should be given some time.

To all Seattle residents, according to the pregame it had been raining in Seattle for 30 straight hours. You live in Seattle a city with an average yearly rainfall of 36 inches, how about a hooded raincoat.

"From a manhood standpoint, that was lame." ~Mike Tirico after Oakland DE Tyler Brayton kneed Seattle TE Jerramy Stevens in the groin.

"This has turned into a classless operation." ~Joe Theisman

"It's been very hard to see the raiders we grew up with devolve into this." ~Tirico

Calm down Mike, the Raiders were in the Superbowl in 2003.

Being soaked & cold in Raider Nation gear is no fun.