Monday, July 31, 2006

status report

we are doomed

I recieved some concert tickets today. They were sent in an evelope in a box. I'm not sure why the envelope wasn't sufficient.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

raising stormtroopers

Girls Gone Border Patrol!
Arizona teens get their cop on
LA Weekly
Wednesday, July 26, 2006 - 6:00 pm

Helen, along with 20 other teens, is an officially certified Border Patrol Explorer Scout. The 90-day training program, started last year by the Boy Scouts, exposes teens, ages 14 through 17, to a career with the Border Patrol. “It gives you a cool feeling, like you’re a real agent or something,” says Helen.

The teens learn to raid buildings. They learn to pull cars off the road. They learn to shoot guns. They even learn to track “illegal immigrants” — or advisers dressed as illegal immigrants — on moonless nights with night-vision goggles.

This is really twisted. I am an eagle scout. I remember canoing and campfires not night patrols and simulated arrests.

Captain Ford says, “I think the idea of chasing people is fun, arresting the bad guy,” he adds, his neon sunglasses reflecting the florid desert.

Ford says the benefits of the Explorer program cut both ways, since he also gets a look at some of the most promising young talent — a sort of farm league for border enforcement. “

Cory Roddey, 17, another recent graduate of the Explorer program . . . has never crossed the border — despite his goal of pursuing a career with the Border Patrol. “Truth is, I have no desire to go to Mexico at all,” he says dismissively. “I just don’t find it very interesting. I like it here, and I can’t find any reason to go over there.

“Most of my friends have the same views as me,” he continues. “And if they don’t, they’re not really my friends.”

Is this kid in the explorer scouts or the brown shirts?

I said no touching

Exotic dancer to plead not guilty, attorney says
The Star Legger

The exotic dancer arrested last week for keeping a severed hand and six human skulls in her South Plainfield home will plead not guilty to charges of improper disposition of human remains, her attorney said today.

Linda E. Kay, 31, remains in custody at the Middlesex County jail in North Brunswick in lieu of $100,00 bail, Donald Digioia said.

Kay skipped her arraignment last Wednesday, and was captured two days later when her father lured her to his Scotch Plains home, then handed her over to a bail bondsman.

"She denies her guilt, and asserts her innocence," Digioia said. "She became portrayed as the skull girl, when she is actually a gentle human being."

Police officers were dispatched to the South Plainfield house July 21 to investigate reports of a man threatening suicide with a hammer and instead made the gruesome find.

Human skulls can be purchased legally online, but police are investigating where she got the hand.

Contributed by Suleman Din

He was my dad too!

I usually don't like to get involved in family squabbles, but I'm sorry that Tori is not gonna get an even share. Of course the other Spelling spawn don't get residuals from, Saved by the Bell & 90210. But $800k outta $500 million, that's gotta sting.

you're all a bunch of cheaters

All Natural

"I spend a lot of time in the gym & watch what I eat."

floyd, barry, jason:

Your records & victories are meaningless unless everyone of your competitors was/is also on the bean.

You're pathetic greedy souls. Your attempts at denile & explination only make you look worse.

However, while I was not alowed to appeal the spelling test I failed in 5th grade, I realize dubious forces could be at work and will reserve final judgement. A doping accusation is after all the only real slander left in professional sports. Anything short of violent crime and in some cases even that, can be forgiven by your fans. Infidelity, gambling, drug use, even racisim can be overlooked as human frailties. But if you are a doper you're tainted for life.

I am not swayed by the "Everybody does it" argument. While it's possible even probable that the majority of professional athletes use some sort of performance enhancing drug it is not true that everybody is doing it.

do as I say not as I . . .

75 officers failed city drug tests
Cocaine use most prevalent, raising concern
By Suzanne Smalley, Globe Staff | July 30, 2006


"An officer is not fired until a second positive test."

Seems like the two strike rule should also apply to those arrested on drug charges.

"Officers are tested before they join the force, again while on probationary duty, then annually within 30 days of their birthday. They are also tested if they get promoted or assigned to a special unit such as narcotics or organized crime."

Knowing all this, they still tested positive. I'd hate to see the numbers if random screening were implemented.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

white noise

To counteract the effects of global warming the fans are being installed tomorrow.

"you gotta get one that moves some air!"

Our block & tackle solution was roundly rejected. So the '69 Ernest Holmes was called into action.

My roomate is buying two fans. I asked him if he was going to set them opposite each other and have them fight.

"Well, eventually I'll want them to battle."

"You should get a stout and powerful one & a tall oscilating one. Two different fighting styles."

Cue the Ennio Morricone music.

I am sub zero.

I'm gonna slice you up lard ass.

logic suspended

"Israel launched a deadly new wave of strikes after flatly rejecting a UN plea for a truce to allow in humanitarian aid."

I don't have the answer but the current path is insanity.

ring toss

I have six rings. When it's all over I want to deposit one the rings on each of the habitable continents.

Toss one off Victoria Falls . . .

Burry one in the Gobi Desert . . .


Great Barrier Reef

Olympic Pennisula

Amalfi Coast


I'll be screening all six Star Wars movies.

This has been a dream since George Lucas announced he'd be making the prequels.

The movies will be shown in chronological order, starting with episode I.

All food & beverage will be secured & prepared ahead of time.

I'll be choosing my favorite line and or scene from each movie.

Roughly 12 hrs of Star Wars with no commercial interruptions.

step 1: remove cod piece

Friday, July 28, 2006

machine-gun smile

via spx

"Last year we had a 95-year-old lady stand up out of her wheelchair and shoot our M-60," said Neil Connolly, a manager for Armed and Safe Firearms Training, which runs the shoot. "She lit up the range and just had a ball. She had a huge smile on her face and that's one of the things you notice is that machine-gun smile."

McDonald's has part time employment opportunities for seniors maybe the military should look into a "Gunnin' Grannies" program.

Ferret and Sarecen military vehicles (including a tank you can drive)

Fully automatic guns that will be available to shoot for a fee with instruction include the M79 Grenade launcher, M-60, 1919 Browning.30 belt fed, M-16, UZI, Glock 18, MP5, Sterling, Thompson, Sten, Swedish K, M4, HK V53, AK47 and M-2.50 belt fed. All prices will be available the day of the shoot.

it appears you can even pickup a concealed weapons permit (not valid in CA, damn)

(Belt-fed, 100 rounds)
M60 - $75 1919 - $60

(Subguns 25-round magazines)
AK47, M-16, M-4, HK V53, HK MP5, UZI, Glock 18, Sterling, Thompson, Sten
O nly sold in packages of 3 for $100 or 4 for $100.

M79 grenade launcher

M-2 Ma Deuce .50 caliber
(pricing not available at this time)

Electric Mini-gun (100 rounds)

Armored Personnel Carrier
Rides $20
Learn to drive it $100

Lahti 20mm $40

Payment accepted in cash or VISA/MC credit or debit.

excellent it's like picking activities at camp

sign me up for the grenade launcher, uzi, kalisnokov,
16, 60, flamethrower and the driving - i don't need
driving lessons though just gimme the keys

you can do most of this in cambodia for a song - a
south east asian original is the rpg to water buffalo
- must find out if there is enough left of the bovidae
to grill steaks or wether we'll be dining on ground
sirloin burgers

honestly in this day & age it's almost irresponsible
not to have some exp. with this equipment

i mean when the shit goes down you don't want your
first granade toss to be in battle - it's worse than
putting your tire chains on for the first time in a
driving snow storm

The header from the lodging page:

Stay at Reno's "Gun Friendly" Hotel Casino Resorts…

left right left

The little sticker above my toes says, "L".

I'm pretty sure that's not my left foot. I always wondered how the wrong limb got amputated

* Yes, "L" probably stands for large but that's not funny at all.

my natural sheen is back

Grabbed a few of these at the hospital. So space age. So civilized. One of the funnest things at the hospital. I'll be washing my hair in the desert & other exotic locales. Pictures to follow.

better bone by design

The morning they were gonna cut me open I woke up to my parapalegic roomate telling a nurse.

"I don't have to do jack shit!"

Perioperative (Occurring during a surgical operation) Forms:

Triple redundancy.

All involved parties (nursing, anesthesiology & orthopaedics) have their own form. They all ask the same questions. I'm going to make up an answer sheet for my next surgery.

- Why are you here? You don't know? Surgery

- What happened? Motorcycle accident, open tibia fracture

- When? 10/28/05

- Have you had any surgeries previously? Are you joking? This is number six on the leg.

- Have you had any transfusions? Yes, three units.

- Allergies to medicine? Food? Latex? No. No. No.

- Health Problems? You mean besides the leg? I'm healthy no high blood pressure, diabetes, lung disease, or tb, just the bum leg.

- Are you in pain? What number is your pain level on a scale of 1-10? It hovers around a 6 or 7 these days.

- What are your major concerns about the procedure? Not waking up & not being able to walk.

- Current medication? Bactrim DS twice a day

- Smoker? Quit the day of the accident, 10/28/05. Prior to that for how many years did you smoke? Five. How much? 1/2 to a pack a day

- Alcohol? Lots of options here:
a) Yes, thank you a gin & tonic with a splash of grenadine & lime.
b) I drink everynight until I pass out. The OR nurse look up, shrugged in acknowledgement and began writting. I had to tell her I was joking
c) I'm a social drinker. Boring & a lie.


The last thing I saw before I went under was a picture of Jessica Alba. One of the OR nurses showed me a magazine picture and said, "Think good thoughts bro."

*This is not me, though I got to wear the same sexy hairnet.

I was laid out in the Jesus pose. That joke brought the house down again. I can't believe they haven't heard it before. The last time I used that joke the nurse lowered my arms slightly. Maybe they're not used to people being so irreverent prior to going under the knife.

They filled me full of actifuse.

"Actifuse is a new class of synthetic bone graft from ApaTech. Combining an optimized osteoconductive scaffold with unique chemical properties, Actifuse creates the optimal synthetic graft for facilitating rapid and sustained bone ingrowth."

"Actifuse is a bone void filler intended only for orthopaedic applications as a filler for gaps and voids that are not intrinsic to the stability of the bony structure. Actifuse is indicated to be packed gently into bony voids or gaps of the skeletal system, i.e., extremities, spine, and pelvis. These defects may be surgically created osseous defects or osseous defects created from traumatic injury to the bone. The product provides a bone void filler that resorbs and is replaced by bone during the healing process."

I got a really bad sore throat from the anesthesia. They always warn you about the potential but this is my first experience with it. It hurts to swallow & feels similar to strep throat that goes all the way to the top of your lungs. Laughing & coughing are painful. Once again my mother knows me pretty well, " Keep up the fluids (hopefully not a lot of beer) to keep your throat moist and help it heal."


"Carl, Carl, Carl"
Followed by faint tapping
Oh man just lie here & pretend you're asleep, she'll go away.
"Carl, Carl"
Oh man she's not giving up.
"Yeah, what?"
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, you woke me up to ask me that?"
"Yes, I'm sorry."
Now I feel like an asshole.
"No problem, thanks."

County is a busy place. I am always amazed at how smooth it actually functions and the ammount of work they are able to accomplish.

Monday, July 24, 2006

here we go again

Thoughts on going back into the hospital

1) I'll get to see some friends.

2) Ask for an IV nurse unless you've seen their technique.

3) Get a pass, eat out.

4) Bring you're own shorts. The moo moos are the worst.

5) Fill the ipod.

6) Bring something to read.

7) Any bed but the one near the crapper.

8) I can't wait for the early morning wakeup calls.

"Wake up we need to take your temp & pulse and record urine output."

Make that burger sexy

"The new triple prime burger, Ruby Tuesday's."

Did Scott Glen ever think he'd have to say that? Does he have a problem with it or is it just another gig? Set it next to "Axe" & "Wes Hightower". Babies gotta eat.

"You go We go."

Friday, July 21, 2006

Too Close

The double bathroom vanity thing mystifys me. Two bathrooms are fine but side by side vanities are creepy

"Honey, let's floss together."

"I have sinned!"

Research on Mickey Gilley leads us to his cousin the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Vengence is Mine!

Look out satan, Jimmy is pissed.

It amazes me how quickly the shamed televangelists of the 80's were forgiven. As a non believer it's hard to imagine. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though, "judging is for the lord" or is it?

I guess Jimmy has been keeping himself busy since his fall from grace cutting gospel albums and spreadin' the hate. Prepare to be dumbfounded. "I'm not knocking the homosexual . . ."

As the red neon cross at the 51st street mission says, "Sin Will Find You Out." Not at all a pleasent bit of ideology to look up to while drunkly fumbling for your keys. "Yes indeed, it has found me out. I've got to work in three hours."

hmmm imagine that my beer is empty . . .

don williams & evel knievel

Crown Center of Cumberland County, Fayetteville, NC
Sun, Jul 23, 2006 08:00 PM

The Gentle Giant of country music

The pride of Butte, MT

Don & Evel !? How could you miss it ?

Or so I thought. It's actually, Don Williams & Even Keel. Which I'm sure will be a great show but nothing could compare to seeing Evel Knievel & Don Williams on the same bill. A country legend, one of the all time smooth country singers together with the greatest daredevil of all time. I mean dig the box for, The Last of the Gladiators. Absolutely fearless.

"The incredible story of the rise & fall of the world's greatest daredevil. From spectacular triumph . . . To bone-breaking defeat . . . As told by Evel Knievel himself!"

I heard that Evel is suffering from pulmonary disease. I was sorry to hear that. His son Robbie is planning a blockbuster stunt to honor his father. I hope he pulls it off. The last time I saw Robbie he looked like a crazed pill popper on the Letterman Show.

Country fans take heart, Don is touring with Kenny Rodgers. Now is your chance to hear "Coward of the County" & "If Hollywood don't need you. . . " in the same night. I might have to suppress my previously mentioned kenny phobia in order to attend. I hope this tour gets Don off the steakhouse circuit. The circuit is more depressing to me than those theme park slash arenas that old country stars perform at like Dollywood and Mickey Gilley's Theater, which is especially depressing considering the grandeur of Gilley's niteclub - my god I hope he's at least built a replica at Gilleyville. The parks seem like the perfect setting for a b horror flick.

Although, during my research I discovered that Dollywood has a full size steam train & a saloon. So if I'm ever within a 50 mile radius of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, I'm there. I had no idea it was a pre-existing park. I thought Dolly had built it from scratch.

She's even got a Sigfried & Roy ripoff called "Big Cats & Magic Featuring the Fercos brothers." Seriously, this has the makings off a SNL sketch.

Mickey's venture in Dallas looks alright as well. Sounds like a great place for a wedding reception a la Urban Cowboy. "Sissy, she said we live like pigs!"

"Why are you getting married in Dallas?"
"Well, it seemed like a nice town & well they have Gilley's!"

Highlights include:

- Motor Coach Friendly
- "El Toro", the original mechanical bull from the movie, Urban Cowboy on display
- Up to 10,000 sq. ft. of dance floor
- Mechanical bull riding
- Convenient to I-30

I can't wait to see the crowd. These are my people!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

grevious angel

Gram Parson's trip to the afterlife was twisted. Rest easy GP. Morphine & tequilla is a hell of a way to go out. The spot where he was set ablaze must be marked. I'm not sure I'm ready for a night in the room he died in.

Joshua Tree Inn

"Room 8 still offers a quintessential "Cosmic American Experience" to fans of the father of country alternative rock. On the peach colored wall hangs the same mirror and picture that hung in the room back in 1973." The mirror comment is intriquing; did Gram do drugs on the mirror?

"Today, a Guest Journal is kept on a bedside table for the scores of Gram's fans who have come to pay homage to the 'Georgia Peach'." (Just creepy)

They sell Gram Parson's t-shirts. Disturbing, but I'll probably take the field trip.

"Gram Parsons Room 8, Includes King bed with private bath, fridge, microwave, cable tv, private outdoor patio. This is where the father of "Cosmic American Music" went from rock-star to rock-legend...the room is haunted...bring your guitar and write songs... :-)"

It's $95/night, including a deluxe continental breakfast. Damage to your soul will not be refunded.

I believe I'll have just one more beer . . .

decidedly unhip

PASADENA, California (AP) -- Haley Joel Osment fractured a rib and hurt his shoulder in a car crash early Thursday, his doctor said.

Osment, nominated for an Academy Award for The Sixth Sense, was driving a 1995 Saturn about 1 a.m. when he crashed into a mailbox on a brick base and flipped over, Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Greg Sisneros said.

A 95 saturn !? second hand lions, was not that long ago & all the pay it foward money can't be gone. maybe dakota fanning can loan you a few bucks.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I think Coors is King

I must have missed this in May:

Pete Coors apologizes in drunk driving case

The former Senate hopeful was stopped May 28 near his Golden home after a trooper said he ran a stop sign.
By Felisa Cardona
Denver Post Staff Writer

Missed this too:

When Coors ran for the Senate in 2004, he was criticized for advocating lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18.

Employee Alfredo Rodriguez, 56, drove for less than a mile on company grounds before he slammed into a utility pole, was thrown from his car and died.

Reports say Rodriguez consumed at least a case of beer.

An investigation revealed Rodriguez had been drinking on the job because open beer taps were available to employees in the cafeteria at Coors.

While I hate to fault such a progressive policy as, "beers in the cafeteria," it takes a while to drink a case and unless you're Andre the Giant, it's usually pretty hard to hide it. Somebody should have shut Mr. Rodriguez off and arranged for a ride home. I'm not sure that I could even start a car after consuming a case of beer. If you're going to provide beer you have to provide a ride home. Unfortunately, I'm sure this would spiral out of control and the employee drunk bus would be rather full on fridays.

In loosely related trivia:

"During World War II, Coors aided the war effort by setting aside half its beer for sale to the military. When the service men and women returned home to states outside of Coors' original 11-state marketing region, they spread the word about the beer's taste and quality -- which became known as the "Coors Mystique."
-Coors Brewing Company

Reminds me of Gillette and Zippo, both of which were given to GI's.

And the spiral begins. What were we talking about?

"World War I caused the real explosion in volume, though. The Government of the United States equipped their entire armed forces with Gillette safety razors and thereby put more than three million razors and 32 million blades into circulation. That way, within a short period of time nearly every American got aware of the Gillette safety razor and its disposable blades."

In the late 1950's, a Zippo lighter was removed from the belly of a fish. The Zippo lighter lit the first time."