Friday, April 28, 2006

smokers beware

If the cancer doesn't get ya the bears will.

From the bbc:

Norway's new ban on smoking in bars and restaurants is being particularly keenly felt in the country's high Arctic north.

But now the smokers of Svalbard will have to indulge at home or brave sub-zero temperatures and possible polar-bear attacks when going outside the pub for a nicotine rush.

"Where is Gunnar?"
"He went out for a smoke and a bear got him. All they found was a smoldering cigarett."
"The bear musta' been waitin' for him."

yak skiing

"Never shake the bucket of nuts before you're tied to the yak rope."

is there a right time?

Timothy Donahue, Empire State Building official on a thwarted base jumping attempt

" It's New York City, it's rush hour - it's not the time to be jumping off buildings"

Thursday, April 27, 2006

the Orkin man

"of course it's fine for the the neurotoxin to touch your skin !! we wouldn't do this if it was unsafe !!"


I love how he's standing next to the AC condenser (read INTAKE unit) for some residence. blurred by the fogger."Hey Bobby, that residue will sit in the ducts for years"


Listed under "fun stuff" on the western extermination web site:

Coloring Book Pages

Click on the name of a Life-Like or Cartoon Bug to view an image and then print your own coloring page.

"Great job coloring that cockroach Timmy now the nice man with the fogger is gonna go kill 'em all."

prosthetic testicles

From el santo

While cameras rolled, N.C. trio castrated willing men

The three "surgeons"

"Detectives searching the home found bloody scalpels, syringes, and prosthetic testicles in a room the men referred to as "the dungeon.""

"They also seized a Tupperware container from the kitchen freezer holding what appeared to be human testicles."

"In an online profile published by the newspaper, Sciara posted a photo of himself in leather chaps and wrote that he had two slaves Danny and Bob and was searching for more."

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

panties not pb&j

A Victoria Secret shopping bag is not appropriate to carry your sack lunch in. I don't want to imagine the panties you bought. You are forcing others to endure that image. I know it's a heavy duty bag with rope handles but please it's a bag for intimates not an overflow purse or lunch sack.


Went to county today for a "wound check". I wish there was a check symbol on the keyboard because that's the way medical professionals write the procedure. My wounds were checked. I still have two infected pin sites. Please continue on the antibiotics and we'll see you in a week. What's that? You're going out of town? OK we'll see you in two weeks.



sick female voice: I took this special tea I thought would help. Giiiiiiirrrrrlllll it had me goin' to the bathroom!

second voice: haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

sick voice: It was a dietary tea!


This morning my van driver was rubbing his jaw line and complaining of sore gums. He kept referring to his island. "On my island bus fare is . . . On my island you can get . . . " By the time we drove by the airport we had covered basketball, football and landed on American Idol. He's a fan of the rocker guy and shares the judges' belief that one should know their strengths. When my driver has time to kill between rides he enjoys walking in the mall.


currently listening to "My Father's Gun" by Elton John pre pastel janet reno suits

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Sweet! Midgets!!!!
Midgets for all occasions rented here for your pleasure! Valentine's Cupids, St. Patrick's Leprechauns, Oompa Loompas, Disco Midgets, Pirate Midgets. It's fu**ing insane, how many midgets we've got! So book yours today!


Price is for performances in the Los Angeles, Orange, and western San Bernardino Counties. Performances outside of these areas may cost slightly more.

Prices start at $100 for Birthday / Holiday Grams


$200 for an hour of shenanigans and tomfoolery!!!

Friday, April 21, 2006

today's beer

FaT tiRe

I like it so much I washed a glass. Buy it in bulk.


Everybody has an opinion. I'm starting a list of funny online reviews:

"Oh yeah - reviewer Janitor X is a complete moron. He also gave Pavement's Crooked Rain and the Pixies Doolittle album one star.
He's one of those idiots you see driving a datsun pickup blaring Mastadon out the window. It must be weird to be retarded but not know it, huh?"

"Every time I here the song 'Superman', I feel like I've been hit with kryptonite, or even like I just wuss out on a fight with a kid still in diapers, or even just feel real weak, maybe that's the whole point, hell I don't know, because he just sings it too damn high, almost like the way Coldplay sings 'Fix You', don't like it, not normal, grow some cohoanies for crying out loud. But since I have this album (even though I inherited it from an ex-friend, as you notice I said ex-friend), and don't want to butt-hurt the rest of the crowd here I gave it 3 stars, probally too late, oh well."

"Good Old Boys" is also a great record to drink to. Just as my friend Myles. He is a killer diller from the dirty dirty. Myles is hard into "Cougars" (women over the age of 40), huffing gasoline, books on tape, big jungle cats, paintings of race cars, and hanging out without his shirt on. He is a no-nonsense kind of dude. I am pretty sure you can find Myles hanging out in his San Francisco apartment shirtless right now with a mean scotch buzz, the body of a decomposing bobcat or lynx in his basement fridge, a 46 year old woman chained to his staircase, and Randy Newman's "Good Old Boys" blasting at an uncomfortable volume from his alarm clock/CD player.

One listent to "Never too Much" and how could you not agree:

Vandross, of course, was the reigning king of '80s R&B romance; while he was never as troubled as Marvin Gaye or as downright eccentric as Al Green, he did have that voice. Before hip-hop split the audience generationally, it was the favored accompaniment to seduction for many fans, whose number grew even greater when 1986's "Stop to Love" pushed him through the pop-crossover barrier once and for all. Greatest Hits summarizes the days when he ruled the world.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


I get invitations to al sorts of events it's great that people want to include me but there are certain things such as water skiing & rock climbing that I can't physically do at this point. From now on I'm gonna to include the following picture with my regrets.

Monday, April 17, 2006


Writting about the taxman in April is like complaining about the line at the post office, the TSA or bad caffeteria food. Everybody's got a sob story, don't burden them with yours.

Having said that . . .

I used turbotax. In the "expenses" section they remind you:

Do not include:

- Charitable contributions
- Illegal kickbacks
- Political contributions

Now is TT trying to help taxpayers out, or will we "deal with that in another section" because I think the IRS would like you to report any illegal kickbacks.

Under the state section you are asked to report any income from:

Beverage Container Recycling Income

-Yes I've amassed a small fortune from beer cans.

Compensation for false imprisonment

-I'm glad that we are taxing the compensation awarded to people who were robbed of part of their lives.

Ottoman Turkish Empire Settlement Payments

-Great we are taxing the survivors of genocide.

Friday, April 14, 2006

ethical hipster dog walkers wanted

Reply to:
Date: 2006-04-13, 6:52PM PDT

Fast-growing dog walking company is looking for a few animal and dog lovers to join our team. We would like someone to be able to make at least a 6 month committment (we dont like to have a high dog-walker turnover).

Of course not, who does !?

Also, the majority of these walks take place during the daytime. If you are'nt available during the day, dont bother calling.
Please be responsible, honest and ethical. You will be background checked and asked to provide references.

Is this a dog walking position or the tsa? I wonder are felons disqualified?

This is a high profile position, you will be representing our company and have access to client homes and their beloved furry children. If this sounds like you and you live in either of the above neighborhoods, give John a call at 818-400-5132.

Job location is Silver Lake/Los Feliz
Compensation: $10 per walk
This is a part-time job.

no beers today

no beers today as too many were had yesterday

beer, beach, sun, people watching, bundnerteller and bratwurst.

yummy wheat beer - one size only - perfect for a lazy sunny day

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Meet the Press Factoids

Meet the Press Factoids

40% of illegal immigrants entered this country legally i.e. they overstayed their visas.

Under proposed legislation being undocumented would be a felony punishable by up to a year and a day in prison. This strikes me as ridiculous. Supporters of the bill don't want illegals in the US but they are willing to house, clothe & feed them for a year.

Former sportscaster and gastric bypass patient JD Hayworth (Republican AZ) was promoting the bill. My grandmother told me to attack the ideas not the man but Hayworth is a hate monger with a weird Jack Nicholson as the Joker smile. He looks like some sort of sicko infomercial host only all he's selling is hate. I don't believe that he is against a guest worker program because it will create a caste system with a permanent underclass. In fact I can't believe he was able to argue the point with a straight face. Not in the US we can't have inequities.

Hayworth & the other anti immigration politician on the panel kept using language like, "infiltrating" and "invading", terms more appropriate for a war zone than an illegal boarder crossing. It's another attempt to scare people. Hopefully, karma & official inquiries will take care of JD once his involvement with Jack "I steal from Indians" Abramoff is fully investigated.

There have already been 200 OTM's along the TX boarder this year. OTM is a boarder patrol acronym meaning "Other than Mexican" I still can't believe that's a term.

The path to legal residence being supported by most democrats makes sense to me, individuals must: learn english & civics, pay back taxes & a $2000 fine and have no criminal (felony) record.

PT told me to start massaging my skin graft. I think I'll start with a light poke before I go for the full rub. It's lumpy down there and it oozed for months.

Pausing while reading Midnight Express, I wondered if and then realized that I have prison book fetish. Here's a rundown of prison books I've read:

Papillon - Henri Charriere became a personal hero. My obsession with him led me to the LA central library in search of a copy of Albertine Serrazin's Astragal, the story of a 23 year old prostitute who escapes a french prison and Heri's literary inspiration.

Cool Hand Luke - Do I really need to say anything !?

A day in the life of Ivan Denisovich - I can still feel the cold siberian wind blowing through the felt covered windows in the gulag.

Rita Hayworth & Shawshank Redemption is on deck.

curse you oprah, tyra & the today show

As I examined the fillipeno woman walking by I realized I know things I shouldn't: woman with large calves should not wear boots that stop at their calves, dark slacks are slimming, woman with large ankles shouldn't wear thin heels and hair & makeup are the quickest way to look like you've shed 10 pounds.

Why can't pbs offer adult programing during the day?


You see all kinds in the lobby @ county harbor - just saw a guy with phone cords coming out of his pockets - a psych patient or just an eccentric?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

today's beer

i have a recipie for homemade bacon - all we need are porkbellies - argggg call my unce at the commodities exchange - bacon is the first step off the grid towards self sufficency

Today's beers were, Lone Star & Tuborg. Flash to a confused Dane who was transported to the Texas wastelands with a dusty dry wind and a Lone Star in his hand. Dare I say Lone Star is the beer budweiser purports to be? Though I like the red, white and blue label, the "Texas born & brewed" was a little much as was the "Don't mess with TX." I mean the top label already says, "Pure Texan" while the bottom label says "Pure Texan Beer" & "The National Beer of Texas" as well as "Serve Texas-Cold". Now I'm not sure exactly how cold that is but I enjoyed what the folks at Lone Star are pumping out. "Texan beer" makes me wanna play Jett Rink for a day and drink some ice cold bottles in the sun at little Reata.


favorite mug shots

In college I wanted to submit one of my mug shots for the yearbook but how do you ask the police for a copy of your mugshot. They aren't exactly the sears photo studio.

I'm curious about the origin of the term "mug shot". Get your dirty mug outta' my face!

Get up that hill !!

The Godfather

This is James Beaman. I don't know if he was ever acussed of a crime let alone booked. I ran across him while looking for JB's photo and thought he deserved a spot. He was a member of the 2001 Delta Tau Delta pledge class at Texas Tech. That was the largest class in chapter history.


Larry was arrested for larceny in 1971. The charges were dropped. He looks crazed.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Freedom's light burning warm

In a show of support he circled the immigration rally blasting the Neil Diamond hit "Coming to America", pumping his fist, shouting, "Today . . . Today"


Monday, April 10, 2006

put the lotion in the basket


Much of the text is in French, and it was not uncommon around the time of the French Revolution for books to be covered in human skin.

argggg an eye for an eye

The practice, known as anthropodermic bibliopegy, was sometimes used in the 18th and 19th centuries when accounts of murder trials were bound in the killer's skin.

Anatomy books also were sometimes bound in the skin of a dissected cadaver. In World War II, Nazis were accused of using the skin from Holocaust victims to bind books.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

prius backlash

"22 years. Man, L.A. has changed a lot during that time. The air got dirty and the sex got clean." -FBI Agent Angelo Pappas

In Carpool Lanes, Hybrids Find Cold Shoulders
Other motorists gripe that drivers of the fuel-efficient vehicles are slowing the HOV flow.
By Amanda Covarrubias, Times Staff Writer
April 10, 2006

"There's a mentality out there that we're a bunch of liberal hippies or we're trying to make some statement on the environment," said Travis Ruff, a real estate agent from Newbury Park who drives a Toyota Prius. "People are a lot less friendly than when I drove a Mercedes."


To those that are complaining I say, TOUGH and if your complaining & driving an SUV that you don't need, EAT SH*&

The HOV lanes were stop & go during rush hour prior to the law being enacted.

where's deter?

This is a story that's been unfolding for a couple of months. Looks like Deitrich is lost and it's the end of the line for Stefan.

note: The shadowy possibly ficticious "Deitrich" was originally reported as "Deter", which was funnier & drew me to the story but Deitric will do.

Driver Arrested in Ferrari Crash Case

By Richard Winton and David Pierson, Times Staff Writer
2:20 PM PDT, April 9, 2006

Authorities believe the car was going 162 mph when it smashed into a power pole.

Eriksson told deputies who arrived at the scene that he was not the driver and that another man, named Dietrich, had been behind the wheel. Eriksson said Dietrich fled the scene. But detectives have openly mocked his story. Investigators took a swab of Eriksson's saliva to match his DNA against blood found on the Ferrari's driver's-side air bag. The DNA results are back but detectives won't release their findings.

What the Times article left out was that Stefan orignally said Deter & he were racing a silver MacLauren Mercedes when Deter lost control and crashed. Last month in a bizarre turn of events Stefan's wife was stopped and cited for driving without a license while driving a silver Maclauren.

The cars were purchased in Britain last year when Eriksson lived there. He apparently brought them to Los Angeles when he moved here. But financial institutions that held titles to the cars informed detectives that payments had lapsed, Whitmore said.

Eriksson was an executive with Gizmondo, a European video game company that crashed with more than $200 million in debts. According to Swedish authorities, he served prison time in the early 1990s for counterfeiting.

The only remaining loose end:

Eriksson also told deputies that he was a deputy commissioner of the police department of a tiny transit agency in the San Gabriel Valley. A few minutes after the crash, two men arrived at the crash scene, identified themselves as homeland security officers and spoke to Eriksson at length before leaving.

A word from Juvenile

New Orleans native Juvenile on the plight of the cresent city's citizens:

"Put yourself in the shoes of a man who just lost everything he worked for."

"The government tells you they have no more money. They sent you to a place where you know nobody and they don't have no jobs. I'm saying get your hustle on, nigga. Do whatever you gotta fuckin' do."

"They're not even covering it anymore. If I don't speak on it, then who will?"

7 months and the 9th ward still looks post apocalyptic. There's no excuse. I have no idea how the politicians pushing for useless pork in their districts can sleep.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


Body integrity identity disorder: (BIID) A psychological condition in which the individual actively seeks an elective amputation. Individuals with the disorder have the persistent desire to have their body physically match the idealized image they have of themselves. This desire forces individuals to deal with the paradox of losing one or more limbs to become whole.

having come a coin flip from loosing a limb I can't imagine

water drop

perhaps you should have a dc10 do a fly by before you move onto the property - hell, why not do it once a year - clense the land so to speak

All fired up over water

i'll be sure to clean the gutters beforehand. drainage plan to be oversized for the load spike.

i can see us in the mojave, mid summer. the chronometer beeps, we extend the umbrellas, and over the ridge comes the plane. as the bay doors open, we mount the surfboards. This goes under the new extreme sport venue.

"I repeat dump all you have on my pods."